The Onion is on a continued roll!
According to numerous reports, local 62-year-old Earl Bailey, who owns a shotgun and several boxes of ammunition, is currently the last bastion of defense between the United States of America and the federal government’s plot of a full-scale takeover.
Bailey, a recent retiree and a proud advocate of gun rights, has been confirmed by multiple sources as being a true patriot, and is, at present, the only person capable of preventing top-secret forces within the government from striking and forcefully coercing hundreds of millions of Americans to submit to a fascist and brutal New World Order.
A common NRA talking point is that if we lose our guns then somehow our government will take over. I’ve always had trouble squaring that circle. I’m not sure how a bunch of [mostly] civilians with handguns, rifles, and shotguns would fare against the number one military in the world.
Especially if our military and government decided to go all “Dr. Evil” on us. In that scenario expect carpet bombings, nukes, chemical-biological warfare, and an armored ground assault comparable to Desert Storm #1.
Yet the NRA would have us believe that farmer Brown and his shotgun will save us from this nonexistent threat!