So for the next few weeks I’m working the night shift at the Peanut Factory. I’m in the process of filling our night positi0n and until that happens, I’m it. So I’m missing a lot of aikido. To compensate I made a Saturday appearance at the cardio-kick class that’s a half mile from my house. One of ex-teacher’s (from the last school) senior students runs this class on the side. Given he’s a kickboxer and amateur MMA-type, the workout is most excellent. It’s 50 minutes non-stop. This Saturday it was three of us (counting the instructor) with martial arts experience and another eight or so housewives, and a few middle-aged fat guys (me included).
So right after class was done I decided to take on cutting down our second Lomardy Poplar tree (aka the spawn of Satan). I planted these trees eight years ago to create a fast-growing privacy screen. Our backyard overlooks a neighbor who my wife and I lovingly refer to as “Naked Fat Man.” Mr. Naked Fat Man frequently saunters out in his shorts, shirtless with his big pot belly and can of beer in hand. Anyhow, the trees grew fast and worked great. That is, until the bloody things got cankers.
“To most horticulturists, this tree is taboo because of its susceptibility to a devastating canker.”
Last year at this time the first tree died. I took a chainsaw to it and after about four hour’s work it was down and cut up into neat piles. Well this past spring the second tree started to die. So yesterday I anticipated another four hours of work.
Wrong.
This tree is as hard as a rock. Granted, I have the smallest gas-powered chainsaw they make. Still, last year it took four hours total. This year after two hours I was able to cut 1/3rd of the way into one side of the tree. Either the chain is dull or the tree is exceedingly hard. The blade actually got so hot that I could not touch it, and since it’s self-oiling I quite literally was covered in a cloud of blue smoke.
Finally I tapped.
I know that Dojo Rat does this sort of thing for a living. If he wasn’t half way across the country I would have offered to buy him a case of beer if he’d cut the darn thing down. For a second I considered asking him to call in a missile strike. However, we want to sell the house one day so discretion got the better of me.
Dojo Rat's Commie Missile
So later this week I’m going to call a few tree removal places. I suspect this is going to cost me a few hundred dollars. Still, a dead tree is not good for re-sale value so it has to come down. And MAN am I sore! Mr. Neck (injury) is not happy and neither is the rest of me. For sure I over did it.
Speaking of Dojo Rat…
During all my drama with the tree, he scoops me on Seagal!
“My client never accused Seagal of having anything to do with the death of his puppy,” Campos said. “He (Llovera) just wanted an apology from Seagal for his role in the destruction of my client’s home, property and animals.”
Time for a nice glass of wine and soak in the tub.
-BCP
I’ll be glad to help.
You hold my martini and watch a real sharp “man’s chainsaw” take down Mr. Lombard.
We have those trees all over and I’ve never heard of the canker of death. Must be specific to corndogland.
I hear Steven Seagal has Sheriff Joe’s Tank, Maybe he can push it over…
If you were in striking distance I’d make you a pitcher of martinis! Re: Seagal. He might try to blow up one of my cats and then he and I would throw down. Not good for his ratings or my career!
Hi Bob. Got any MMA friends that need a good workout? Invite them over and tell them to get handy with an axe, while you time the rounds.
Cankers on trees? Makes you wonder what they’re getting up to at night.
Well it looks like hell so I hope it had a good time!